This post is turning out to be more difficult to write than I had anticipated.
I think it’s because I want my first post to be something I can look back on and think “yes, this accurately sums up how I was feeling on Monday the 30th of November 2015 at 10:02pm,” but in my just-finished-exams exhausted state I know I’m not going to do it justice.
So why not leave it till tomorrow? Or a week from now? Or a month? Well, I’m 17 years old. I’m a Year 13 in high school, and I’ve just had my last NCEA exam, ever. If you haven’t connected the dots, I’m on the brink of graduating (literally the brink – sign out is tomorrow and my Graduation Dinner is on Thursday) and life is going to change. This is beginning to sound really dramatic and superfluous, which is exactly what I feared this post would be, but it is time for me to face the music. For the past few months, time has been rushing past me like crazy. I don’t want to let the youth I have left go to waste. This means that I am not going to wait to write this post. Even if I cringe when I read it back in the morning.
The idea of creating a blog didn’t really appeal to me at first. If it weren’t for the severe lack of travel (more on that at a later stage) blogs for teenagers, by teenagers (especially New Zealand teenagers), I probably would not be writing this. I am quite a private person. For this reason I am choosing to remain somewhat anonymous for a while. Very rarely do I ever share my thoughts and feelings out loud. I also hate proofreading this kind of writing. But there is nothing better than an exam period to get you interested in things you normally cannot stand. I have spent quite a lot of my exam period itching to write a blog post and I am pleased to say that I fought the urge to procrastinate in this way (make no mistake, I certainly procrastinated in many others ways). I feel sad that I have waited so long to start this blog, and that despite my young age, I will no longer be a high school student. However, until I actually begin at university, my voice will be that of a high schooler’s, so I can claim to be a high school blogger for the next three months.
My voice is another reason why I am struggling to write this. Give me an essay, an exam paper, an article, a piece of prose or poetry, and I will get it done in no time. Writing about myself is different. It’s too easy to convey a different persona through words. If it weren’t we’d only be reading non-fiction. Anyway, there is a distinct voice that comes through the blogs of New Zealand teenagers that I have read. It’s all NZ Fashion Week or calling people out or plant based diets, and I identify with none of the above. My life is not about magazine editorials, “to the (insert gender) who (insert wrongdoing which said person committed against you)”, or raw vegan paleo caramel slices (though I wish it were because raw/vegan/paleo food always looks so good). Please understand that I’m not criticising or disrespecting any of these. You can write about anything, regardless of what role it plays in your life, if at all. They just don’t feel authentic to me, and I want this blog (if it exists beyond this post) to fit around me, rather than me trying to fit around an ideal I don’t strongly relate to.
These past 5 years have been the best so far, and I have achieved and done so much. Truly, they have been incredible. If they were anything to go by, then I should be very excited about what is to come. Despite everything that has happened, and the absolute chaotic wonder that was 2015, I have this nagging feeling today like I’ve stopped something before I ever really got started. You know? Even with everything I participated in, I still feel left there was so much more for me to do and so much more that I never did, so many experiences that I will never be able to say happened for me whilst I was in high school (or just school, for that matter). That’s probably just me mourning this change. However, school has been my life for the past 13 years and this year in particular. I’m one of those rare people that loves school and everything to do with it. A lot of my fellow year 13‘s this year have expressed their excitement at having an increase in freedom at university next year. How?! Surely at secondary school you have the most freedom with yourself and your education. Having that taken away from me has made me reflect on how quickly my teenage years are passing, which is absolutely terrifying. 10 years ago I was in year three. In 10 years from now I’ll be 27(!!).
Actually, I’ll save my existential crisis for another post.
So what is next for me? Since beginning this post I have become an ‘Old Girl’ of my school. I’ve signed out, graduated, finally had a picture taken with my principal, sung the school song for the last time (and no, it doesn’t feel real. I keep finding myself planning for school next year and I am refusing to turn off my iCal alerts for lunchtime meetings). I now have the rest of the holidays to enjoy before I begin university. During this three month break, I have my learners license to study for – seriously, if I don’t get this before the New Year someone needs to put the Road Code into good use and knock some sense into me – which is probably my biggest distraction from the fact that I have left school. I know I’m really late on the whole driving thing, but that’s what you get everyone else in your year is a good year and a half ahead of you. By the time things roll around for me, everyone’s interest in it is long gone. But at least I get free dental check ups for another 6 months *sunglasses emoji*. Aside from a personal project that I am determined to finish early next year, I am hoping to catch up with as many friends as possible before we all become proper university students. I have made so many new friends this year so I want to make use of the limited time we have left before school starts. I also want to strengthen some friendships with high school friends that I have had for a while. I have quite a few close friends who I don’t want to lose contact with as we go into different campuses, universities, cities, and countries even. AlsoIneedtofindajobhahahahahahelpme.
In conclusion, this blog is going to be a little bit of whatever I want to blog about. I don’t want to commit to anything or try to be like anything right now. I just want to enjoy what’s happening at the moment as I am free from school and significant responsibilities. None of my previous summers have been life changing, but I am looking forward to seeing what this summer (and beyond) has in store of me.
So for the next few months, I’m just going to be.
Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this!
(To clarify the title – that was the exact time I began working on this post, obviously not the day I posted it – oops)